Will I?
Blood. Sigh. Not Again. Third time of the day. Took the tissue in front of the desk and wipe my nose out. Then, I blow out the rest of the blood out. Thick red. Quite different from yesterday. Yesterday was lighter red.
The days are numbered. The time? Certainly it is running out for me. How will it end? How will the world be? And where would I be then?
Dark, alone and silent. No one is there. You cannot move, you cannot laugh, you cannot cry, you cannot eat, you cannot sleep, you cannot walk, you cannot see and you cannot sweat. You cannot do anything. Just silence. And darkness.
The thought of death scares me. It scares me the most thinking that I will be alone, unable to do anything. You have no one once you are dead. You are on your own. I’m on my own!
When will my time come? I took the guitar up and sing my favorite songs. I still can sing and feel the song. When I’m dead I won’t be able to play guitar and feel the songs in my heart when I sing it. I won’t be able to hear my own tone deaf voice singing. And I won’t be able to feel the pain on my fingers after playing the guitar for hours. I won’t be able to do it anymore once I die. I won’t. It won’t happen again once my last breath had passed.
Sigh. I put down the guitar. I walk outside and look at the bright shining moon. It’s a full moon. With stars glimmering surrounding it. The sound of nature during the night singing through my ears, the wind slowly blows my hair and the cold of night stung my skin. Ah, the beauty of the night. So peaceful. So romantic. But I won’t be able to enjoy this moment once I die. It will disappear the moment I closed my eyes the last time. And it will be gone, forever.
Suddenly she hugs me from behind lovingly. The heat from her body keeps me warm and comfortable. I can feel her breath behind me. And I can feel her heart beats slowly as do my heart.
Dubdub..dubdub..dubdub..dubdub..dubdub..
What is that I’m hearing? I can… hear her…..heart beat…. clearly. Yes. Her heart beat.
She loves me. She loves me dearly. And she loves me so much. And that I know. And I love her more than she could ever love me. Always…And Forever.. Until the day I die.
But will the love still be there when my heart stops beating? Will I still love her when I could not feel her warm hug? And will I ever again can feel the depth of her love the moment that I am no longer alive?
She touches my hand. And plays with my finger. She always does that. And she likes doing that. ‘Jari gemuk’ I told her and she will pull away her finger and said ‘jari slim bah ni’. Then she hugs me so tight until I feel I cannot breathe anymore. ‘Ok, ok..sa surrender..minta ampun bos’ I said to her. But she still hugs me so tight. Not letting me go. I smiled. ‘Budak manja’ I whisper through her ears slowly. ‘Biarla..memang pun budak manja’ then she hugs me even tighter. She puts her head on my shoulder.
I can hear she is crying in my arm. I hug her tighter and give a kiss at her chin. She looks up at me and I can see tears falling down her cheek. She is crying. And I can feel her pain from the look of her eyes. I gently wipe away the tears, and gave her a kiss on the lips. So sweet. So soft. And lovingly. Tears fall down from my eyes. Am I crying? Why am I crying? Why does my heart hurt with each drop of tears falling down my cheek? Why?
The moment to savoir. The sweet moment together, of joy and laughter. The bad times together, of pain and tears. The moments that i cherish the most and it will remain in my memory, until the day that I die. The memory will be gone forever once I die, so can I still remember all the time we are together after I died?
Will I ever cry again, once my last tears drops to the ground? Will I ever feel her sweet kiss, once my lips are already cold? Will I ever touch her again, once my hand no longer can move?
And will I ever be with her again, the day after she died?
I’ll be gone now. Slowly and peacefully. I’ll be going to a place where no one knows where it is. A place where I’ll be on my own. A place where I cannot return home. And a place where people will eventually be lost with time.
Though I am no longer there, a part of me still remains in you, in your memories.
I love you…..
